He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
