I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
