just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Even my vagina gasped.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
