I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
