you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
