How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
