i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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