I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
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I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
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Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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