i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
