Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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