Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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