I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
