just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The best revenge is premature balding
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
