Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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