hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
