I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
