I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
