Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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