your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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