she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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