dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
