my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
