im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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