I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
