Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It's blow job season.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
