New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
