Sponge bath it is.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
