I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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