how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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