I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
