like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
