a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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