I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
