We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
This show inspires me to have sex in space
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
