At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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