If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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