Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
