My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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