I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
