Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
i've created a new STD.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
