i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Randomize
