Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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