you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
