Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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