She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
