Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
