I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
