I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
organizing the empties. That sober.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Boobs are out for the taking
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
