In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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