As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
