We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
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It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
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I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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