Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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