Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
