I accidentally burped into my bong.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
