I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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