Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
