I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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