I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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