Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
